This may not be completely evident from what I have posted on this blog so far, or even by what I have stated on my twitter within the mass of tweets I produce on a daily basis, but I stating in now: I don’t love myself. Actually, I am a very self-loathing, self-depracating, depressed to the point at which I want to commit suicide at times and this has been ongoing basically since birth. I am 18 years old. I was born a boy. I completely and wholly identify as female, but in my current situation, it is impossible to begin my transition.
For those of whom identify as the gender they were born as and don’t have any issue with transcribing to society’s gender roles, it really is not possible to communicate to you what it is like to just exist for me, but I shall attempt to give you a basic idea. To me, my body is a shell, a foreign thing. It operates in ways I don’t understand and when I look in the mirror, I see something I am not. This disconnection from my body, combined with parents who won’t accept me if I came out to them, causes a lack of interest in maintaining my body or becoming close with anyone who sees me as a boy. This, in turn, causes a loss of desire to live as most people do see me as a boy. And because of this loss of desire to live, at low points in my ongoing depression, I fail to see the reason to keep living. When you get this low, you look towards others to feel happy as I have done. Their eventual, and inevitable, rejection just makes my depressions worse and turns my depression into pervasive emotional lusts-lusts that make me continuously more dependent on others’ love, affection, desire, or even just attention. As it is, if there no was no one on the internet I could turn to…I wouldn’t alive. I honestly don’t know how I have avoided cutting or hurting myself in other ways so long….
The following link leads to an Encyclopedia Dramatica page that is beyond words. It is excessively disturbing, nauseating, triggering and upsetting. If you have suicidal thoughts, are a cutter or do not have a stomach made out of iron, do not follow the link. Cutter girl And those two who at the bottom insinuated having sex with her inside her wounds…..they also are in need of immediate pyschiatric help. And whoever abused her and made her feel worthless enough to cut herself to this severity….I hate them.
Despite the grim nature of what has been said above, I have had a few high points. One of them came yesterday when the woman I love said she would like to have me as her girlfriend(once we both have become emotionally stable). She herself has attempted suicide once and suffers from BPD. She is a beautiful soul that cares so much about others that it hurts her when she thinks she is hurting them. She doesn’t understand completely how someone can love her, but I am sure over time she will understand why I think she is the most beautiful person I ever met.
I am working on becoming a better person. All of my darkest, most self-depracating feelings are going straight into my writing and the themes of my work are cathartic as they express the things that I feel always. One of the stories is about committing suicide. I know it may seem that I am just feeding those desires, but for people like me…I can only find comfort in music, literature, art that expresses what I feel. The mainstream media that preaches the “don’t worry, be happy” message is something I cannot relate to-it only worsens my depression. In this way, I am very much apart of a counterculture, but it is a counterculture that does want to continue existing. As much as I and others like me feel as though se want to die, we truly want to live, but we must reach it on our path and terms.
If you know someone who feels as I do, do NOT patronize them and do NOT reject them. If your child is a transsexual, homosexual, bisexual, a person with a mental disorder or a person with different beliefs than you, do NOT treat them like a “sinner” or subhuman. Do not make them feel worthless, because, in the end, it will be you that killed them. All issues begin and end with family, with love and as long as there is humans on this planet, that will never change.
Note: when I say beautiful, I mean as in full circle. I never describe hot people with no soul as beautiful.