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Personal issues

A little more personal….

This may not be completely evident from what I have posted on this blog so far, or even by what I have stated on my twitter within the mass of tweets I produce on a daily basis, but I stating in now: I don’t love myself. Actually, I am a very self-loathing, self-depracating, depressed to the point at which I want to commit suicide at times and this has been ongoing basically since birth. I am 18 years old. I was born a boy. I completely and wholly identify as female, but in my current situation, it is impossible to begin my transition.

For those of whom identify as the gender they were born as and don’t have any issue with transcribing to society’s gender roles, it really is not possible to communicate to you what it is like to just exist for me, but I shall attempt to give you a basic idea. To me, my body is a shell, a foreign thing. It operates in ways I don’t understand and when I look in the mirror, I see something I am not. This disconnection from my body, combined with parents who won’t accept me if I came out to them, causes a lack of interest in maintaining my body or becoming close with anyone who sees me as a boy. This, in turn, causes a loss of desire to live as most people do see me as a boy. And because of this loss of desire to live, at low points in my ongoing depression, I fail to see the reason to keep living. When you get this low, you look towards others to feel happy as I have done. Their eventual, and inevitable, rejection just makes my depressions worse and turns my depression into pervasive emotional lusts-lusts that make me continuously more dependent on others’ love, affection, desire, or even just attention. As it is, if there no was no one on the internet I could turn to…I wouldn’t alive. I honestly don’t know how I have avoided cutting or hurting myself in other ways so long….

The following link leads to an Encyclopedia Dramatica page that is beyond words. It is excessively disturbing, nauseating, triggering and upsetting. If you have suicidal thoughts, are a cutter or do not have a stomach made out of iron, do not follow the link. Cutter girl And those two who at the bottom insinuated having sex with her inside her wounds…..they also are in need of immediate pyschiatric help. And whoever abused her and made her feel worthless enough to cut herself to this severity….I hate them.

Despite the grim nature of what has been said above, I have had a few high points. One of them came yesterday when the woman I love said she would like to have me as her girlfriend(once we both have become emotionally stable). She herself has attempted suicide once and suffers from BPD. She is a beautiful soul that cares so much about others that it hurts her when she thinks she is hurting them. She doesn’t understand completely how someone can love her, but I am sure over time she will understand why I think she is the most beautiful person I ever met.

I am working on becoming a better person. All of my darkest, most self-depracating feelings are going straight into my writing and the themes of my work are cathartic as they express the things that I feel always. One of the stories is about committing suicide. I know it may seem that I am just feeding those desires, but for people like me…I can only find comfort in music, literature, art that expresses what I feel. The mainstream media that preaches the “don’t worry, be happy” message is something I cannot relate to-it only worsens my depression. In this way, I am very much apart of a counterculture, but it is a counterculture that does want to continue existing. As much as I and others like me feel as though se want to die, we truly want to live, but we must reach it on our path and terms.

If you know someone who feels as I do, do NOT patronize them and do NOT reject them. If your child is a transsexual, homosexual, bisexual, a person with a mental disorder or a person with different beliefs than you, do NOT treat them like a “sinner” or subhuman. Do not make them feel worthless, because, in the end, it will be you that killed them. All issues begin and end with family, with love and as long as there is humans on this planet, that will never change.

Note: when I say beautiful, I mean as in full circle. I never describe hot people with no soul as beautiful.

About austurias

Marxist, feminist, LGBT advocate, aspiring Literary writer, unhinged from reality as it may be and ecstatic adorer of Speculative Fiction.


8 thoughts on “A little more personal….

  1. It is strong of you to post this, I’m sure you’re not the only person who feels this way, and I’m sure putting your story out there makes them feel less alone :3

    Posted by Brigitte | March 20, 2010, 8:46 PM
  2. I know exactly how you feel. In fact, I have been very depressed lately which is one of the reasons I had to quit my job. I just couldn’t take the stress any more. When you start imagining driving off bridges or into trees, it’s time to stop going to work!

    But being trapped in the wrong body… I feel trapped in a body, period. I wish that people would just let other people be who they, not what. I’d rather be genderless than forced to conform to the society proscribed roles. People are far too judgmental about things that don’t even concern them. I used to worry about what people thought of me, but I came to see myself as better than anyone who hurt me. It wasn’t necessarily a better viewpoint; it’s just the one that got me through high school. I don’t think I’m better than everyone (now), just anyone who tries to stomp me down. Anyone who tries to stomp you down, is by definition only trying to stand on your back to make themselves feel better. Don’t give them the satisfaction. You deserve better.

    I hope your friend can start feeling better about herself too. She might be an empath. At least, your description of her sounds that way to me. If you’re not familiar with the term, an empath is someone who picks up the emotions of those around them to the point that they can’t tell the difference between their own and others’. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were one also. I don’t want to get all new-agey on you, but there are things you can do to help get control of it. It’s just like having super strong eyesight (seeing everything but yourself), so you have to get corrective lenses to see things up close (your own emotions). In this case, “corrective lenses” would be meditation and learning to shield. I’m a fine one to talk of course, since I couldn’t even continue to cope with work, but with the general depression hanging over the entire country because of the economy and health care, etc, it’s hard right now for anyone to be positive, let alone someone who’s bombarded from all sides by negative emotions.

    Don’t worry so much about fitting in. People who call you friend will still be your friend no matter what you decide to do, and people who turn away were never really your friends to begin with. I know, cold comfort, but true. It’s better to have only a handful of true friends than a whole room full of the fair weather variety.

    Posted by harmony0stars | March 21, 2010, 3:27 PM
    • I don’t feel like getting advice from you is any less trustworthy than someone who is levelheaded. Actually, I don’t I actually would completely trust the assertion of a levelheaded person.

      I can only listen to those I fell understand what I am going through.

      So, you are absolutely right and there is nothing wrong with the way you are handling your situation.

      Posted by austurias | March 21, 2010, 7:31 PM
  3. What hurts the most is when you know your problems are fixable, and you know how to do so. But the solution is out of your reach. It just isn’t fair. I do hope we are able to get everything fixed. As the saying goes: “it’s better said then done”. It is going to take a lot of work and I am sure we are willing to put the effort into it! 🙂

    As for the girl, I wish I could find a better article about her, but alas, everyone is scrutinizing her. Or making a joke, something of which I find offensive. Whether this this Joan girl was doing it for attention or not doesn’t excuse the fact that she needs serious help. If someone sinks that low to get attention then they are seriously crying for help. I just hope the website was correct in that she was indeed helped.

    Posted by Kirstie | March 22, 2010, 2:21 PM
    • Oh, absolutely love. I am currently trying now by working on stuff I have been putting off. :]

      I actually prefer this saying: “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

      At least, I think that is the accurate translation. >.<

      Posted by austurias | March 22, 2010, 2:48 PM
  4. I came across your blog from Formspring, and this entry really made an impact on me so I had to leave a comment. I love how, though you’d have every right to moan and complain, you still make a point and provide us with some optimistic things about your life. I hope things get easier for you, and your one-day girlfriend. x Oh, and I totally understand the dark literature thing. I find it near impossible to write anything uplifting, because I find that an author makes some autobiographical footprints in each of their stories… and if you don’t feel happy as a person, it’s pretty difficult to pretend, even in fiction. I could just be speaking for myself here, but art is cathartic. Who cares if it’s dark and depressing – chances are, people will empathise with the themes and it’ll make them feel a little less alone. Rather like music. (:

    I’ll have to admit – that Encyclopedia Dramatica both upset and angered me… though you did warn us in all fairness, I couldn’t help it: curiosity begged that I see it. I cannot bring myself to imagine the torment that poor girl must’ve gone through to MUTILATE herself in such a way as depicted in those awful, awful pictures. I have depression issues and cut myself when things get unbearable, but I could never bring myself to tear my limbs apart like she did. Oh god, it doesn’t bear thinking about… It simply sickens me that, in this day and age, people are still being hideously ignorant enough to ridicule people who cannot be happy like everyone else, no matter how hard they try. It’s enough to break one’s heart, it really is.

    It’s times like this when I wish that I were strong enough in my own mental health to help others with problems without sounding like a total hypocrite. Sigh.

    Posted by Francesca (Twitter: PurpleHarlequin) | April 24, 2010, 5:35 PM

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